How to handle tough conversations
We all face challenging conversations from time to time: with a coach, a teammate, a colleague, a family member, a friend, or even a complete stranger. Sometimes we get advanced warning and we're able to prepare, but other times these conversations happen spontaneously. The key for having a meaningful and effective conversation is to remain in control of ourselves. We have no control over the other person’s opinions or reactions, but we can use mental skills to stay centered, speak effectively, and emerge relatively unscathed.
Here are 5 tips for handling tough conversations like a pro.
Set an intention
You probably know why you’re having this conversation in the first place. You, and maybe the other person, are hoping to get something from this talk. Perhaps it’s clarity around how to move forward or perhaps you’re trying to gain a deeper understanding of the other’s point of view. The goal is probably pretty obvious, but your intention may not be. What’s the difference between a goal and an intention? In this case, the goal is somewhat out of your control because it partly relies on how the other person engages. However, your intention is completely within your control. It’s the way in which you want to carry yourself. It’s your body language and tone of voice. It’s the words you choose and the emotion you lead with. Your intention may be to stay calm or to speak respectfully, regardless of the buttons the other person pushes. Enter into this conversation knowing the qualities you want to embody and project - and that will go a long way in helping you feel fulfilled regardless of how the conversation ends.
Use a focal point to stick to your playbook
When you’re fully immersed in a tough conversation, it’s easy to get distracted by the other person’s tone, body language, or words. So, keep coming back to your intention and stick to the points you want to convey. One way to stay focused is to use a focal point. Choose an object to look at on occasion, that will remind you to stay on track. Look at the object and take a deep breath any time you feel your mind start to spiral. You can also touch or squeeze an object to help bring your mind back. Many athletes wear a bracelet or a rubber band that they wrap their opposite hand around any time they need to refocus and return to their game plan.
Check in with your body
Tough conversations can easily trigger the fight, flight, or freeze response in our nervous system. So, pay attention to how your body is responding to this conversation. Is your throat starting to feel tense? Are you sweating? Is it hard to take a deep breath? We all respond to uncomfortable situations differently. The key is to be familiar with your own telltale signs and then use your breath to actively release excess tension. You can also shift your physical position (e.g. stand, sit, redistribute your weight), so that you don’t feel stuck - because that will affect your brain’s ability to think clearly.
Listen mindfully
Have you ever had such a strong opinion about a topic that you anxiously rehearse your response while the other person is talking? We do this all the time. We look as though we’re listening, but we’re really just gearing up to talk again. Mindful listening involves actively tuning in to what the other person is saying, without jumping to conclusions or judgements. It’s about being fully present to what they’re sharing and then acknowledging their words before responding with your own.
Debrief, but with patience
Once the conversation’s over, you may feel relieved and exhausted. It’s also possible that you become completely emotionally dysregulated after holding it together for an entire conversation. However you feel post-conversation is okay. Give yourself time to process the conversation and be prepared for the emotions and rumination that may follow. This is all a natural part of the difficult conversation aftermath. Depending on the intensity of the conversation - and what was at stake - you may want to give yourself a deadline for your processing. Perhaps you’ll let it go by the next morning or after 48 hours. It may also help to journal during this time, so you put your thoughts down someplace. Relive the conversation as much as you need to for a finite amount of time, and then commit to letting it go and moving forward.
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When you approach a difficult conversation like a performance and integrate mental skills in a purposeful way, you give yourself the best opportunity to be in control of yourself. Self-regulation is the key for effective communication and post-conversation satisfaction. Implement these tools and trust that you’ve got this.