Learning how to ride the wave - in both surfing and parenting
It is such a joy and a challenge having a kid in sports. We get to see them develop friendships, improve their skills, and celebrate their victories. But sometimes, we have to deal with parents who never learned sportsmanship. We also have to see our kids fail, which can be painful, even though we know it’s an important part of their growth.
As a lover of sports and a big fan of our 8 year old, I have thoroughly enjoyed these first 3 years of Cayson’s youth sport journey. But as a mental performance coach, I’m also very mindful of the privileged role us parents play in their journey.
So, I invite you to join me on this journey. As I figure out the best way to support our son through his athletic endeavors, I’m going to loop you in because here’s the deal: We all want our little athletes to thrive (in sport and in life), but we don’t always have the best tools to support our intention. Let’s figure it out together, through the lens of sport psychology + conscious parenting.
The story, so far
Here’s the backstory. Cayson took his first surf lesson in the warm waters of Hawaii last December and immediately declared surfing as his “second favorite sport, after baseball.” Another positive surf experience over spring break led us to signing him up for a week of surf camp this past summer. He loved it and the coach loved him, inviting him to join his non-competitive surf team in the Fall. Cayson expressed some hesitation about not wanting to be in deep water or near big waves (both fair points), but after a FaceTime with the wonderful coach, he felt confident enough to try it.
Here’s how surf practices are structured: Wednesdays are for conditioning and Sundays are for surfing.
All the paddling, swimming, and running on Wednesdays makes riding the waves on Sunday possible. No mud, no lotus. No foundation, no sky scraper.
Well, Cayson really didn’t like the first Wednesday. It confused me because this kid has never shied away from drills in other sports. Dribbling? He’s into it. Running? He loves it. Practices dedicated only to passing? He’s game. So, what was the issue?
After a tear-filled conversation on the car ride home, he was finally able to articulate it: He didn’t feel safe in the deep water (they were out way past the break) and felt overwhelmed by all the other kids around him.
His coach checked in the next day, I shared Cayson’s feelings and my perspective, and he said, “let’s see how Sunday goes.”
Somewhat unexpectedly, Sunday was awesome. Cayson stood up on 7-8 waves with a smile on his face. These are the highs we love seeing as parents . . . but after the highs, come the lows.
Wednesday was bad. Cayson refused to paddle out with the group. By the time one of the coaches offered to take him out 1:1 and in shallower water, Cayson was too worked up to think logically and accept the invitation. So, as I do with any sports practice he doesn’t feel like participating in, I made him sit on the beach and watch the practice. After all, he’s an observer by nature and we all know the value of learning through observation.
On the way home, I said, “Do you want to stop surfing for now and resume next summer?” He didn’t like that idea. He wanted to surf, just not on Wednesdays. Sigh.
This pattern persisted another week: A confidence-boosting, fun Sunday surf session and a tear-filled Wednesday surf practice where he wouldn’t go in (especially after his teammate got stung by a stingray!).
Last Thursday, his coach suggested that we just skip Wednesdays for now, saying:
“Let’s meet Cayson where he is and let his nature dictate next steps”
I shouldn’t be surprised that the surf coach was essentially saying, “Let’s ride the wave.”
On Sunday, Cayson crushed it - riding 10+ waves with joy.
So, that’s where we are now, still in the middle of it.
Who knows what this week will bring? All I know is that Cayson doesn’t want to give up, but he also has some very real fears and challenges. By pushing him too far out of his comfort zone, we run the risk of ruining his relationship with surfing for a very long time. By agreeing with his desire to only do Sundays, we potentially show him that it’s OK to not follow-through on commitments - and we miss the opportunity to teach resilience.
As youth sport parents, I believe it’s our responsibility to meet our children where they are - and to nurture them to the next step of their growth journey with a balance of effort and surrender. It’s not easy, but we’re in it together. And if we approach this responsibility with an open heart and an open mind, we might be really fulfilled.
Stay tuned for the next article in this series - a series that may last for many, many years, depending on how long Cayson participates in sport.
Until next time, good luck, sports parent!